第 一 次

第 一 次 我 用 了 华 文 来 写 部 落 格 。
好 多 好 多 话 想 说 ， 但 说 不 出 口 。
我 想 对 他 说 ， 对 不 起 。
我 无 法 给 你 幸 福 。不 能 实 现 对 你 的 承 诺 。
好 想 对 你 说 ， 想 你 ， 喜 欢 你 。 不 想 和 你 分 开 。
但 是 ， 我 不 能 。 因 为 我 们 之 间 有 着 一 道 很 高 很 高 的 隐 形 樯 。
我 努 力 的 爬 ， 在 爬 时 ， 墙 上 有 刺 ， 我 不 在 乎 。
我 一 直 爬 ， 结 果 弄 得 一 身 是 伤 。 我 不 灰 心 ， 一 直 努 力 。
以 为 我 可 以 ， 但 是 人 会 累 。
我 累 了 。 一 身 是 伤 ， 但 是 我 不 能 喊 痛 。
我 只 能 像 一 只 受 伤 的 猫 ， 躲 在 没 人 的 角 落 ， 自 己 舔 着 自 己 的 伤 口。
我 怕 了 ， 不 想 再 有 下 一 次 。

此 时 我 想 哭 ，却 哭 不 出 。 我 只 知 道 笑 。 泪 不 知 不 觉 地 落 下 。
心 里 好 痛 。 却 不 能 说 。


我 好 想 拥 有 勇 气 去 面 对 这 一 切 的 一 切 。 。 。 。

Relationships

For the past few days, I've been through some serious change. I dun wan to think, but things just get into your brain just like that. The only bad thing is that we cant shut off our thoughts like switching on or off a switch. I hate myself. For wad i have become. Despised is a better word to describe.

Cant help but look toward the hp, hoping most miracle can help and all this is just a dream. From my heading i think you should know wad happened to me. I do not wish for this to happen, but it still did. Somehow, i could foresee it, but i didn't expect it to be brought forward. I think both are still hesitating. I've been through e pain, n do not wish so to experience it again. The pain would have been too much to bear. I do not have the confidence to survive another round.

I've decided to lock it up. I don't wish because of something like this to affect me again. Like Davey Jones in POC 2, lock it away because you cant bear it. Lock it away, forever.

Future.

Today jus attended a talk by our previous senior that went sailing. From wad they say, they had a very gd time n e lecturers also said that after sailing, e most basic class 5 paper, i can get a gd paying job at shipyards. But the first thing is i had to go sailing first for 6 mths min. I wonder what will my family react. Really wonder. Esp grandma. But i really wanna go as its a very gd experience and also, u get to travel around the world. I really wanna go. But, alas, there's alot to consider, like my family. The most impt is them.

I really wanna try to throw down the family chains for once and try to live. But i really dun hav the courage to do so. Will any1 help me or give me the courage to make my decision?

At lunch, syhidah said that i hav a split personality as i change mood like a snap of fingers. Is it? they say one moment i am happy, nt moment i groucy. But it's nt the truth as i jus wan some quiet n peace. I may look groucy but that's my face wad can i do bout it? I think i should keep my temper in check n dun be so short tempered.

Now after the talk today, i'm feeling lost for my future.
Someone help me please???? O.O

Second Last Day At Work (Deep Feelings)

Today is the 2rd last day here, @ 22 pandan rd. Not really will miss the place but will miss the stairs. You ask me why? Coz that is equal to a track mail to me. make lose so much weight on my legs. haha.

Wondered when will get my pay. This week is my last week here, so hope to get my pay asap so that sat can go shop-until-drop with aunt. I dun noe why, but when i have cash ready at my wallet, i dun feel like buying to much things. But i hav nth in my pocket, suddenly alot of things comes into my range of view. D*** wth la.

what kind of logic is that? Even i dun understand.

Tried to google for some news of my birth mother, but seriously, will anyone post their sad feelings or things that they have been through on the Net? Some will but according to my aunt's memory of her, it appears that my birth mother has only been up to Pri 6. So i dun think she knows how to use the internet. UNLESS she has another family eg her son or daughter who will be kind enough to teach her, otherwise i cant see how she will know how to use the internet.

Sometimes i wondered "What if she married another guy n totally forgot bout me? Is that a possible?" Then i replied to myself, "Of coz pls la, is she really cared or really got think bout me one in like 5 yrs, got wondered bout me, bout how i was doing, how i look like etc she would have like try to just listen around to see if there's any news. " i dunno whether did she try to see me or wad but seriously, sometimes it kinda pisses me off. Where got parent(s) nv miss or think bout the child(ren). Apparently, in my(her) case, it's TOTALLY different. Do she really hate me to the extend that she doesn't even wanna try to look for me?

Some people will say, "No it's nt that she doesn't wan to look, it's jus she hasn't found me yet. Maybe she's looking but she hasn't found u yet." To this kind of people i will say this: "Please, she's nt an idiot, assuming that she's mentally ok, she should know that grandma will nv move away n somemore, given my da's character, the chances of i staying with my grandma is so much higher."

Anyway, back to the main topic of google-ing for my mum. I'm not saying that i wanna look for her, jus wanna know that whether how is she, is she living alright or whether she is in Singapore or oversea etc. That's e kind of person i think i am. I dun wanna acknowledge her (meaning let her know that she's my birth mother n i'm her forgotten daughter) jus wanna see if she's living well. Ever since i can think, i assume that she's really oversea like what my grandma said. But ever since i stumbled upon my parent's divorce papers, i know that grandma was jus trying to protect me so i nv blames her for that. I jus acted like i dun know anything.

Being from a single has its good n bad sides depending on how u view it. For me, having grandma that cook, wash, sew, buy n scold me is the best that i can ever get. (sorry to say, but some mothers aren't a good cook but seriously, my grandma's is e BEST COOK!)

Wondered why all of a sudden this emo? It nth emo, jus sth that i thought for every long. Anyway, i dun giv a crap bout this stuffs, coz i'm so busy with my own life to bother bout others. The only thing is any one who tries to hurt my loved ones, i will kill them n make sure they get twice or thrice or fourth times of what they do to my loved ones.

Loved ones include: Family,

Friends. ;)

Tired

hey guys,
yst jus went to meiyi's hse for jap lesson. was fun but e pronouncation was werid. i could helpin laughing all the way! ;) todae woke up as usual at 5.30am, was so tired that jus slept in the bus. lucky todae is half day work only. so can go back hm sleep for a hour before meetin meiyi to go bugis. i jus like choosing shoes for my friends but i cant choose clothes for myself. -.- dunno know whether is a habit or natural instincts. haiz.

ltr hope can go bugis get a dress that i can wear to party および (and) school および formal occasions. i hope to get that i like および cant suit me および etc etc.....

brb.

Happy

today was great!!! Went out Crab dear, watch "Shorts" and had dinner together. The best when we finished our movie. (we had dinner first before the movie, ljs as usual.) He wanted to see the elmo in e ufo catcher. I told him tat i almost caught 2 bears in e ufo catcher in e arcade. So i plea (sa jiao ^^) with him to spare me 2 bucks to try out luck. sadly, e doremon that he wanted we didnt catch. but he did nt wanted to giv up, he went to change another 10 bucks. i was shocked!!! Nv he wanted to play these things. he thought it was a waste of money. Then suddenly change of attitude. So we tried catchin e elmo. after $9, (each time $1) e elmo dropped into the hole!!!! i was so overjoyed!!! really i dun noe how to describe, but it was like winning the first price!!! so e crew changed a new elmo for us n of coz, it belongs to me now. hehe ^^p

he says he will collect frm me soon but this has let me gain an interest in ufo catcher. maybe nxt time, i should ask cly to go bugis e illuma there de ufo catcher. maybe i can catch sth that she wants.....jus jokin.

gtg, tmr still got work. will post e picture of elmo tmr.

cross my heart. ^^p

(those who watched UP should noe wad does 'cross my heart' meant to e main char. )

Work

I hav clocked out even thought i'm still in e office. Wonder y? Jus waiting for e time to pass coz i'm meetin a person to collect my item that i paid for while i was searchin online. It was a bracelet imported frm Greece but it seriously reminded of e pair of Devil's eyes that charmz gave to me but i lost one side of it. *sad...sobs*

Jus called my dad to see if he's around e area. jus so happenes that he's at Halliburton (srry for wrong spellin) so if he's free to make a long route to pick me up n sent me hm.

Sighs....e problem btw him n ah ma still there, but nt so much i tink. Cm on la, which mother dun luv e son? i tink she's jus stubborn as they say, the bark is worse than e bite. Pretty true for ah ma in this case.

Today was pretty borin as my in-charge is sick n down wif flu. But yst he looks COMPLETELY fine to me lor. =.= i tink he's jus fed up wif certain stuff in e office....anyway, none of my freaking business. GM keep suggesting me to come back aft i graduate frm poly n before i go uni. Ask me to be a full time staff. Nothin is free in this world, so i knew it before he say they will put me at "the front line" dun nid i say, u also noe wad that means rite?

I very politely told him that i like to keep my options open. So he cant really do anything about it....hahaha.

Feelin so bored.....Every1 please update your blog!!! It's been ages since u all update ur blog. *.*

write more later......